All across the world, there are certain things that are collectively considered as markers of life achievements. They include earning a university degree, holding down a well-paying job, and finally getting married and having children. When you are a 32-year-old East African woman without any prospects of settling down, the society generally frowns upon anything else that you could do. It does sound preposterous because, after all, who has a say on how anyone should live their life? It’s easier said than done, and that’s the predicament that the subject of this story found herself in. She had to make the difficult decision of choosing between pursuing her academic goals or pleasing her parents.

Meet The Ambitious Lulu Jeremiah

Lulu Jeremiah ticks all the boxes of a successful woman in her 30s. After successfully completing her undergraduate degree, the Ugandan native worked as a freelance journalist and as a communication consultant for the International Organisation for Migration. For Lulu, that was just the start and she had a lot left to accomplish. However, her parents thought otherwise because, at her age, society generally expects a woman to have already settled down in marriage or, at the very least, busy sending out engagement invitations. A study conducted by YouGov and HuffPost UK states that 34 is the sweet age when most people figure out how to strike the best work-life balance.

Stuck Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Ask anyone when the right time to get married is and most will agree that it’s when you are ready. For Lulu Jeremiah, she was more than sure that she wasn’t ready to make that move. But at the same time, she felt pressured by her parents and just about everyone else to get married. A survey conducted by E-Harmony suggested that couples typically wait about three years before getting married. Doing the math, Lulu Jeremiah faced an uphill battle if she was to meet a man and get an engagement ring before her 32nd birthday on August 27, 2018.

A 31-Year-Long Lecture About Marriage

Much like every other African girl, Lulu grew up being lectured about the importance of marriage. She recalls that when she turned 16, her father wrote her wedding speech. Every birthday celebration presented another opportunity for her parents to remind her that time wouldn’t be any kinder down the line, and her mother would always pray for her to find a husband. As the years went by and the prospects of a suitor weren’t forthcoming, her parents became more concerned and piled on the pressure. The survey conducted by the online dating site E-Harmony also revealed that 83% of couples walk down the aisle because they want to and not because they feel pressured.

Caving Under The Pressure

Lulu was embarking on the next chapter of her education, which was pursuing a graduate degree abroad. For her, walking down the aisle wasn’t that lingering thought that always kept her up late into the night. But at the same time, she started caving under her parents’ unrelenting pressure. If it was a wedding they wanted, she would get it out of the way so that she could get back to concentrating on what mattered most to her. Lulu had it all figured out and she jumped right into the role of being her own wedding planner. After all, it takes an estimated three weeks to plan a traditional Ugandan wedding ceremony.

Planning The Wedding Of A Lifetime

Lulu had to plan a speed wedding because she wanted it to coincide with her birthday. She didn’t waste any time getting down to business and sent out invitations. And given the time crunch, she chose to skip the engagement announcement entirely. Lulu wasn’t even going for the traditional nuptials, she was planning a classic white wedding. She had set a date, sent out invitations, got a cake, and had the dress. All that was left was for her to walk down the aisle. Did you know that the average price of a wedding cake is $582, while the cake for the big day sets couples back an average of $1,500?

The Grand Entrance

Fast forward to Lulu’s big day and she looked every bit the beautiful blushing bride. All her friends and notable respected members of the film industry, who are Lulu’s acquaintances through her work, had gathered at the Quepasa Bar to watch her make that big move. Everyone just wanted one big question answered, who was the groom? To take a walk down history, having a father walk her daughter down the aisle started during the era of arranged marriages. It symbolized the transfer of ownership. Back then, women were literally traded to settle disagreements with neighboring tribes and debts or serve as collateral.

An Unexpected Twist

All who had gathered to witness Lulu walk down the aisle already knew that something was amiss. She had planned the sudden marriage under a veil of secrecy. And if anything, most attended just to see what she had in store for them. The “first look” is yet another historical concept that borrows from arranged marriages. The belief was that if the groom and bride laid eyes on each other before they exchanged their vows, they would have enough time to change their mind and call things off. As Lulu made her entrance in her lavish gown to address the guests, it became more apparent that this was a wedding with an unexpected twist.

A Celebration Of Love

Lulu explained that once she made her grand entrance, she was hit with bouts of anxiety and felt awkward standing in front of her friends to explain to them what was happening. She started by telling them that the day marked a celebration of love, but there wouldn’t be a groom attending the ceremony. Well, there have been recorded cases of proxy or Skype marriages that are done by two people in different parts of the world. In the U.S., it’s for the purpose of initiating a petition to get a spouse a green card. Lulu was upbeat while donning her lovely pearls, which made the guests even more curious about her full explanation.

A Commitment To Herself

The exchange of a wedding ring represents the commitment that two people make as they embark on a life-long journey together. Besides the traditional church marriages that most of us are used to, there are several variations of non-religious wedding ceremonies. Just to touch on a few, they include a tree planting ceremony, unity candle ceremony, and a sand ceremony. Lulu’s was one of a kind because she chose to figuratively marry herself as a personal commitment to her educational goals. As crazy as it is to wrap your head around it, Lulu had a lot of support in putting the day together.

Talked Into Having A Wedding

Lulu, who’d been living and attending university in the UK, had returned home that August to celebrate her 32nd birthday. When chatting with friends about the surmounting pressure she was getting from her parents to walk down the aisle, the idea of having an actual wedding came up. The idea was to have a mock ceremony so that she could get them off her back. Obviously, it was just a joke. But the more she thought about it, the more Lulu warmed up to the idea. There’s actually even a term for it. “Sologamy”, or self-marriage, is the term used to refer to marrying yourself.

Making A Joke A Reality

As Lulu continued to have the conversation about a mock marriage ceremony, an idea stuck with her. She could even wear an actual wedding dress for the occasion. After all, there isn’t a woman who can resist dressing up for their big day. In fact, she wouldn’t be the first lady to have done it. New York-based artist Gabrielle Penabaz did the same thing during the summer of 2000. Miss Penabaz had a grand ceremony as a symbol of self-love. And since 2016, she’s reportedly helped over 1,500 people to marry themselves.

Preparations For The Wedding: Dress

Lulu was sold on the idea and got down to planning a budget wedding. Laura Mesi, a 42-year old Italian fitness trainer, walked down the aisle for her own self-marriage ceremony in 2017 with 70 guests in attendance. Mesi went all out and got a three-tiered cake, and topped it all off with a solo destination honeymoon in Egypt. Mesi also had professional photos taken during the occasion. These went viral, which earned Mesi worldwide attention. In total, Mesi spent an estimated $11K on her big day. However, for Lulu, the entire ceremony cost her only $2.62, which covered her transport to the venue.

Friends For Keeps

It started with one of her friends, a web designer, who printed out her invites for the big day. Another offered to rent her gown for the big occasion, and her brother baked her cake. She managed to score the Quepasa Bar as her venue because she is also friends with the owner. Yet another friend did her makeup in the toilets at the venue, just minutes before her grand entrance. Lulu had everything she needed for the big day, but she didn’t go for private sologamy counseling sessions that are available online. Dominique Youkhepaz, who self-married in 2011 at the age of 22, offers these services over a 10-week period for $200.

Overcoming Cold Feet

Lulu had her moments of doubt, fearing that she would come off silly on that day, but her friends helped her get through it. She explained that she had a strong network of intellectual friends who backed her idea and gave her the validation she needed. Writer Erika Anderson also had a solo wedding back in 2016, and she explains that it’s difficult for people to wrap their heads around the psychological therapy that comes with marrying yourself. Anderson’s wedding video went viral and, she soon started receiving hate mail. She added that most people view such ceremonies as a way of saying that men are irrelevant.

I Married Me!

Lulu explained that to her, marriage represented an expression of commitment and love. However, in her home country, several people still considered that marriage was the only way a woman could guarantee her financial security. Therefore, a self-marriage is a declaration to focus on your own wants and needs first instead of conforming to what others think is the ideal. Several businesses now recognize the new trend. In 2014, a Japanese travel agency called Cerca Travel came up with a special two-day package worth $3K. The package targeted solo brides and included a dress fitting, hair styling, and a photo shoot.

The Guests Who Didn’t Attend

Lulu’s parents didn’t turn up to watch their daughter make the commitments to herself. She explained that when she explained to her parents about the mock ceremony, they were taken aback. However, at the same time, her mother was sure that the fact that she went all out to plan the day and wore the proverbial white gown, she was ready for marriage. As f0r her father, he still maintains that he hasn’t come up with the right words to share his feelings about Lulu’s self-marriage. Jewelry designer Dan Moran, who is based in Los Angeles, has been selling “sologamy rings” since 2016.

A Viral Sensation

Amongst the guests who attended Lulu’s big day were both local and international journalists. Lulu’s story soon appeared online. Accompanied by her photos from the occasion, she became a viral sensation. In fact, the staff of the bridal shop where she had rented her gown and had to leave an ID card were highly impressed by the fact that Lulu is a student at a prestigious school abroad. Jeweler Dan Moran explained that most of his clients come from a background of affluence and are also well-educated. Moran also added that, interestingly, most of his clients have usually walked down the aisle before in a traditional wedding ceremony.

The Law On Self-Marriage

Legally, self-weddings are not binding and anyone hoping to go that route to get a break from their taxes should think otherwise. According to a 2011 study conducted by the Pew Research Center, less than half of the adult population in the U.S have exchanged vows. Regardless, the stigma stands for single women who have to be content with endless questions about plans for a wedding always popping up. Author Rebecca Traister explains that marrying yourself affirms that your life is as meaningful as any other person who walked down the aisle.

A Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword

The reason why Lulu’s focus is far from being someone’s wife is that she’s essentially married to her educational goals. She attends the prestigious Oxford University pursuing a master’s degree in creative writing. Lulu says that she has a strong passion in life as well as a strong commitment to realizing her goal of becoming an academic. The UK ranks second as a popular study destination with enrollment statistics showing an estimated 458,490 foreign students studying in the state. Among the foreign student population in the UK, 44% are pursuing graduate level degrees.

An Oxford Masters Student

Lulu’s quest towards a career in academia and research started in 2017 when she sent out applications to three UK-based universities in 2017 and managed to get admission. However, without the necessary funding or access to a student loan, she couldn’t start her studies. She decided to apply for the two-year Oxford Masters in Creative Writing program and got accepted. Lulu was in disbelief that, out of all the applications they must have received, they chose her. Once again, she still had the issue of finances to sort out before she could commence her studies. On the minimum, international students pay an average of $13,000 annually in tuition fees.

Scholarships, Grants, & Crowdfunding

Lulu applied for every scholarship and grant that could help her solve the financial hurdle. She tried accessing a private student loan but found out that, as an international student, she wasn’t eligible for one. With her options wearing thin, she turned to the public for help and 279 friends, as well as strangers, helped her raise money for her tuition for the first year. Crowdfunding is quickly catching up as an option to finance education. But another trend that’s picking up is the “human capital contract.” It essentially binds the recipient to pay back the amount by contributing a portion of their future earnings for a certain period.

Another Stumbling Block

Once she sorted the money part of it, the next challenge was getting a study visa to the UK. Lulu’s application was rejected, which was a huge blow to her. She applied a second time, paying extra for priority processing. But once again, her application was rejected. Lulu explained that she returned the suitcase she’d borrowed from a friend and couldn’t help but cry into the warm jacket she’d gotten from her dad. Insufficient evidence that an applicant can support themselves and pay for their studies is amongst the leading reasons why student visa applications to the UK are rejected.

Third Time’s A Charm

Lulu wasn’t about to give up when she had already overcome several seemingly insurmountable challenges. She sought legal counsel and did more research into the visa application process. For the third time, she applied for a UK student visa and fortunately got it. Just like she had said, Lulu was finally well on her way to wearing the two gowns that she was confident about—a graduation gown followed by a lavish gown during her wedding sometime in the future. In August 2017, Lulu commenced her Master’s studies at Oxford University.

Making Sense Of The World Through Writing

Lulu explained that writing is a way for her to make sense of the world, and that’s why she’s committed to it. She acknowledges that the opportunity to study at Oxford gives her access to train with some of the best students and mentors. As part of a unique writing community, Lulu understands that she will always have her experiences and the connections she makes. She can always draw from them for professional counseling over the coming years. Oxford University has an estimated population of 24,000 students and 43% of them are international students.

An Uphill Battle

Getting into Oxford and getting through the first year was the easy part. But then again, Lulu found herself where she had started once again. She needed to apply for a visa every six months. And each time, she faced rejection on account of her financial inability. Lulu also explained that she needed more than $26,323 for her full tuition fees. But for the crowdfunding the first time around, she had only asked for half the amount to cover her first year of study. She was facing her second and final year of study and financial issues once again came back into play.

Asking For Additional Help

Lulu needed help to finance her second year at Oxford, and it coincided with the time she had gone back home to celebrate her 32nd birthday. It worked out for her because she had a compelling story that backed her relentless passion for her goals. She needed an additional $13,420 to fund her final year’s tuition. Also, for the particular academic program she was studying, she had to meet travel costs to the UK every three months. She also couldn’t work in the UK under her visa. All the challenges seemed to be dragging her magic carpet ride into the future from under her feet.

Going Back To The First Step

It’s unnerving when you have to rely on the kindness of strangers to support your dream, and that’s the challenge Lulu faced. She was essentially banking on the same luck she had struck the first time around to get the funds she needed for her education. While she did work in Uganda, her earnings weren’t anywhere close to helping her pay her way through the last year of her studies. She needed to provide proof of financial support in the form of a statement from her bank showing that she had enough to cover the tuition. Also, she needed to have an additional $1,600 per month to cover living expenses.

Without A Place To Call Home

The living costs for a university student in Oxford range from $18,000 to $25,000 annually.  Given that Lulu had only funded her tuition fees the first time around, it meant that she had to figure out how to cover her living costs as she went along. Lulu even recalls having to sleep in the college library on two different occasions because she couldn’t afford a room. She didn’t let it get in the way of her goals, and she continued to give her education her all. Lulu also felt that she didn’t want to ask for additional help to cover her living expenses because she had already received so much.

If There’s A Will, There’s A Way

Lulu held on to the faith that things would work themselves out, and she kept on appealing to her friends and the online community for their help. Lulu becoming a viral sensation at that time really made a difference. Everyone online was talking about the Ugandan woman who had married herself and had chosen to prioritize her dreams of achieving academic success. The Daily Mail is amongst the online publications that ran her amazing story. It got 23K shares, which had a great impact on helping her story go viral.

It All Paid Off

Lulu’s story ended on a high note because, in just 6 months, she managed to get the balance she needed to clear her tuition fees. A total of 169 people helped her meet her target, and she also received additional offline donations. Ugandan lawyer Bernard Mukasa heard about Lulu’s wedding and affirmed that he would also follow suit. However, the Ugandan media suggested that perhaps Lulu and Mukasa should walk down the aisle as a couple. Who knows? Perhaps, there might also be news about their upcoming nuptials very soon.